Dreams

[hotlips70]

Don't ever feel selfish....this is what friends and family are for....this is what we are friends and family. I like it when people thell me about thier problems for 2 reasons...the first is that I like to be able to help out. and the second one is it helps me to forget about my own problems....lol now that is selfish...sorry.
My hubby does the same thing, he shaves and leaves his hairs in the sink, or if he grabs a snack and has it in the living room he will leave the plate of whatever in the living room. Men are pigs no matter how you slice it. My hubby does the same thing...He says that he thinks we should spilt and then it is i love you don't go, then "get out of my house" and they can't make up thier mind worth a damn. We fight over our kids we have one together and he has one from his 1st marriage. I think it is natural.

Are things alittle better? Are you feeling ok? I worry about you. I know how hard it is. Have you two talked about it at all? It may still be alittle to soon to talk. Me and Mine talked every day about it. He wasn't sure what he wanted. She is skinner than me and they have some more things in comon, but I will be damn if I was going to lose him to the slut! I know I am not a beauty queen, but damn this chick is ugly! she has a uno brow and she is hairy like a guy. YUCK!!!!!!!!

IF you need me I am here. Just let me know. I am here for you.

Love ya...

[MASON564]

we haven't talked at all about it.i thought perhaps i could push it aside forget it ever happened.for awhile it was working.then we went to the fair.he said hi to another woman.it was like "gail,gail,gail, hi gail!"he acted similiar to a kid whose favorite buddy came over.do you know what was the first thing i thought?i wondered if he had done her too while we're together.i was pissed and hurt again.i told him to never ever talk to another woman again.EVER!!
again the feelings are stuck in me again.wondering if he thinks of her when he touches me.is that why are bedroom life improved so much.the man hardly ever wanted anything sexually.shortly after we were married he quit wanting it.at first i thought it was because i was pregnant.it was me who always asked and begged for it.usually i was told he wasnt in the mood or headache or his back hurt.i'm not joking.we would have it once a month and sometimes it'd be two months before i got it.talk about very depressing.i blamed myself.i gained weight.a lot of weight.i'm not an attractive woman.about average i think.this went on for years.then ending of july he wanted it all the time.he still wants it.almost everynight he is asking for it.
i hate telling him no because i dont want to hurt his pride ego and stuff.like i said everytime he touches me i cant help but think its because of her.does he think of her and since i'm the only one here i get it.does she turn him on where i cant?does he really want her?
his story he thought it was my friend?yeah.does he really think i'm that stupid to believe that?
he told me once that the woman he was with at the restraunt was ugly enough to turn him gay.he said she was nasty looking.then why was he with her?if she was that ugly why would you throw our relationship away?i know he's lieing about her being ugly.come on would you chance your marriage over someone who could turn you gay?
i really thought i could pretend it never happened,but i cant.i cant help thinking and wondering.where was we lacking in our relationship?was i not doing something right? was it something i didnt do?
my brain says it had nothing to do with me.it wasnt my fault.but my heart lays the blame on me.if he was happy why would he look for someone else?
i am realistic.i know in every relationship there wont be complete bliss.i know there will be problems,issues,etc. i know its only human nature to look at others.to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.to tread on the other side----is it worth what you may lose.you have to think before you act.is the outcome worth the consequences?
what was he thinking when he did it?
well he's up so i'm going to leave.
thanks for listening to me ramble on.sorry to be laying this on you.i'm sure you have better things to do.thank you.

[hotlips70]

Mason, I went through the same thoughts...I was like if I made him happy why is he doing this? Am I that bad of a wife? I did things I swore I would NEVER do! to try and make him happy! I have stopped doing most of the things...I hate them and I have to do a few things or I am afraid that he will stray again. And at times I really think he is...He might be I don't know....It is very hard. I did tell him never again, if I ever find out that he is f*&^ing around on me again OUr daughter and I are out of here. I will move back home with my mother if I have to. I will get back on and talk to you more later he is pulling in and I don't need him to see this and start fighting with me...I'll talk to ya later.....Love ya...take care

[MASON564]

i know ive said this before,but you are amazing.you dont know how much i really appreciate all that you are doing for me.honestly without you helping me through this helping me to see that things may work out----id be buried in heartahce hopelessness basically really screwed up(worse than i am now).

you pretty much summed up exactly how i feel right now.i have done things to make him happy that i would have never done before.

before him i slapped a man just because he asked me to marry him.this was when i didnt believe in love.i wasnt really mean to the guys i dated but if love was brought up---i left them.

he is my world.

im begining to wonder if i just became someone for him.like i live to please him and i forgot who i was.there are things i would never dreamed i would do and i did it just so i could get his approval.when we argue i always tell him he is right even if he isnt.

the things love does to you.the things you'll do for love.why do we love?yeah its great.its an amazing feeling.the whole world is right.then it crashes.

[hotlips70]

I have said this to you before too, but I will keep saying it. I don't mine ...I am just really glad that the shit that I went through can help another person.
It does get alittle easier. You may still have your doubts as to what he is doing and why he did it and if he loves you..I still do every once in awhile. And whenever I see the slut I just want to punch her lights out.
I have to get going again..I will be on Monday while he is at work and I can type freely....bye dear...xoxoxox

[MASON564]

i know you've said.it means a lot to me that you are listening to me.i feel like im putting it on you.like maybe youre tired of hearing it.ohhh noooo not another one from mason. ;D

im beginning to wonder if he isnt up to stuff again.while he was chatting with her he would send me to the store for something stupid.today he kept asking me if i had to go to the store.i told him no.after he asked the 8th time i asked if he needed anything.so he told me yeah deodrant.welll i dont want him stinking so i went.guess what?when i came back i put it in the bathroom and there was two things of it in there already.it makes me wonder if he was chatting wiith her or someone else.

i dont know.i hate it that i cant figure out what to do.listen to the brain or to the heart.

what did i do wrong or didnt do at all?there has to be something lacking in our relationship for him to wonder off.im taking sleeping pills now.so i can sleep better.theyre ok i guess.i still remember that day.i dream of catching him again.i dream of him with someone else.everytime he tries to touch me i wonder is it her turning him on?is he thinking of her?god how long is this going to last?its been almost a month and it feels like its been forever.

what to do?can you solve the battle and just tell me? ;)i know you would if you could.

honestly how long is it going to take?how do you put the world back together?

[hotlips70]

I don't want you to worry about me...I look forward to hearing from you. I always check here first. If i don't see anything from you I go on to the next one.

With the going to the store thing, all I can do is tell you what I have done. I would check his cell phone with the incoming calls and outgoing calls. I wanted to see if he called her or if he got a call from her. I would look at the phone bills when they came in..the home phone. I would watch the phones at his work. I would try and come home earlier to see if I could catch him and if I did catch him on the phone I would start freaking out....I would ask him why he was on the phone with that slut... He was kind of opened about it. I think that he was trying to make me jealous. I don't know why my husband was a dick about it I don't know why he screwed around on me.
I ask all the same questions you do...I still ask all the same questions and it's been over a year...well almost a year...It took along time for him to stop talking to her. and after I asked him not to he would tell me that they were just friends and that i need to deal with it. I put my mind up to it that I wasn't going to lose my family no matter what and I told my husband that the gloves were off and I was going to fight!
I still have dreams too. They come and go. The only thing I can say is that you really need to talk to your husband about this. I know it is really hard belive me I know and the tears will come... Let them, let him know how much this has hurt you and is still hurting you. I talk to mine about it everyonce in a while. and then we talk very little....

It is really hard and it won't be an easy road ahead. I do have faith though that things can get better for you and your husband. Sometime we have to bit our tounges...which I do alot. It is something that you are both going to have to work on and you need to see if he wants to work on it. I sometimes think that mine doesn't... and that is when I try to talk to him. You will see it will get better....

Just keep breathing and keep your chin up high. I am here for you when ever you may need a shoulder to cry on. ( so to speak)
I hope I have helped you out alittle bit and that things are strting to look brighter...let me know ok..I worry.


xoxoxox ~Hot

[MASON564]

i think if i cry and he sees it hell think im weak.in away i dont want him to know he hurt me like he did.to tell the truth i dont even want to hurt either.just because i want it doesnt mean ill get it. ;Di know i should talk to him about it.see where he stands.it really annoys me that hes sticking to his story.then i wonder did he actually believe that?even though i know he doesnt i wonder.guess my heart really wants to believe his story. ???i feel myself distanting from him.i feel myself letting go slowly.im not sure if i want to stop it.if i do distant myself all the way he cant hurt me,my heart wont hurt.then on the other hand i wouldnt feel the love anymore.the joy he has brought to me.the hope of our future.i do love him and i know it will never go away.but i can bury it so deep that i wont feel it as much.i want to stay with him.then again i dont want to wonder.i want to know im the love of his life.im the one he wants to be with.im the one he dreams about.im the one he sees in his future.i dont know that.hell i dont even know what are future is.hmmmmmm.im trying to stay,trying to pretend everything is great between us.people ask and i smile and tell them how great we are.we are doing great. ::)well gotta cut this short.will talk with you soon.you do help me.you are helping me to believe that my heart might be right.that we can make it.

[hotlips70]

Sweetie I think that you need some time for yourself...Not to totally go away on your own, but just time to think about what you want and what you need. YOu need to think about you and the kids and about what you deserve. I hope that you can do this I hope that you can take the time to just sit and see what you want for yourself. You can't be hard on yourself, you did nothing wrong, and even if you did something wrong in his eyes that is still NO excuss for what he did.
I have to stop cause my hubby is up and you know how that goes...Take care and talk to you later...

[MASON564]

i know i should go think about this.i guess ive been trying to put that off.part of says if i think ill listen to my brains and leave him.i dont think my heart is willing to give that up yet.i guess there is never any easy answers in the world 'eh? well ive got to wake him up.i'll come back here soon.thanks.

[hotlips70]

I understand. This is going to be one of the hardest things that you will ever go through, because he means the world to you. If he didn't means anything to your heart then this wouldn't hurt. and something like that is ALWAYS worth fighting for. All you have to do is just keep telling your head that you love him, if you didn't you wouldn't hurt so much. You will do things in your own sweet time.It is up to you to do what you need to do. It is fine. You are going to be just fine...I will always be here for you ok? I'll talk to you later...Hugs and kisses.

[MASON564]

thanks. :-*you are a very strong and kind woman.i appreciate you being here for me.

[hotlips70]

I don't know if I would go that far Mason...strong...I am not...Kind... :)sometimes... .... I think that you are a stronger woman than I will ever be...I have alot of respect for you. You are a one of a kind woman...I hope all is better and I will talk to you soon...

[MASON564]

:)me strong? :)maybe years ago when i was dumb and thought i knew it all.lol.where i stand you are strong.you give me strength. ;Dlol yeah youre kind as long as no one crosses your path.lol.youre a good person.im lucky to know you.you help me a lot and you continue to help me.thank you.even though my man doesnt know i talk to you but im sure he is thankful too.after all im still here with him.dunno for how long though.
its like now that my eyes were opened i cant tollerate him as much as i used too.
thanks hon.love ya.

[hotlips70]

that gose for me too...same with my hunny...I use to let things go so much and now forget it I am a witch....lol I am glad that I can help you, but you help me too. more than you will know... I am glad that I have gotten this chance to meet you and talk to you. I am blessed...