Funny Internet Jokes

[CharmingChick418]

Those are sooooo funny kit ;D

[~*~Kit_The_Kat~*~]

THE BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrott squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrott, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrott calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[TrustNo1SM]

hahaha " May I ask what the turkey did?"

[~*~Kit_The_Kat~*~]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, ..."We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."


The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."


The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs".


The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs".


.....(Ready?)............


The bartender says, "You are now........................... That was a barbitchyouate."

[~*~Kit_The_Kat~*~]

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of
him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the
matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this
time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, " Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she
replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. " Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued. " Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten
out today."

[charmedluver]

i like those jokes

[TrustNo1SM]

[Goddess2007]

Ok here's a joke my little sister tells EVERYONE.

Three brothers are driving in a car. Their names are Shutup, Poop and Manners. All the sudden Poop falls out the window. Manners stays to assist him and Shutup goes to get help.
A little ways down the road Shutup finds a policeman. He says, "Mr. police man you have got to help us my brother fell out the window!"
The policeman answers, "Slow down boy. It's gonna be ok. What's your name?"
"Shutup." He replies.
The policeman says, "Where are your manner boy?"
And Shutup replies "Five miles down the road picking up Poop!"

LOL Ok so it's not really that funny but you have to hear my sister tell it b/c she gets SOO excited for that last line. She like screams it and jumps around. LOL ;D

[TrustNo1SM]

I have kinda dirty one, but not too bad. Don't kill me kit.

Ok There is a girl and a boy about age 5 playing in the little girls backyard.
the little boy goes" Hey how about we play that we are at the beach" the little girl replys "Ok, bbut don't we need to take off our clothes like they do at the beach?"
" Yeah okay" Says the little boy
So they both take off there clothes and the little girl goes "Hey! What is that?" the little boy goes "what?"
"that, on you" Says the little girl so the little boy replys "Oh that..well thats me" "can I play with it?" Says the little girl and the little boy replys "NO! You already broke yours off"

[CharmingP4]

here's a cuople sent to me over easter....


PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO. MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE

FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER

JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

[TrustNo1SM]

hahaha

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP"

Thats cute.

[**~~Dark Emperess~~**]

Hey, I've got a few good jokes.

~~~An old man walks into a Baskin Robin's walking shakily with a cane. He sits down at the counter and orders a chocolate sundae. The young man behind the counter asks, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replies, "No, just arthritis."~~~
~~~One day at the rest home. an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere, the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand, but does it any way. She inspects his rear for a minute, then says, "You're 84 years old."
The old man says, "That's amazing! How did you know?" She replied, "You told me yesterday."~~~
;D

[CharmingP4]

[glow=red,2,300]A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the
wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with
trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all
his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith

P.S.: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worst things in life than my report
card that's in the desk drawer.[/glow]

[hotlips70]

OH MY GOD.....speaking as a mom I would of had a heart attack reading that if it were from my daughter...it's to FUNNY!!!!!!! ;D

[**~~Dark Emperess~~**]

That is a good one. I have another one that I won't post the answer to until someone asks for it. Hot, I am begging you: please don't answer it! ;D PLEASE?
OK.

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?