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Post by CharmingP4 on Apr 23, 2004 23:27:10 GMT -5
oh! i've heard that one! its just too late for me to remember....
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Post by **~~Dark Emperess~~** on Apr 23, 2004 23:31:04 GMT -5
Well, everyone, if you've heard it, please don't post the answer. I want everyone to be surprised! PLEASE? ;D
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Post by CharmedOnes on Apr 24, 2004 16:52:54 GMT -5
I got a few story jokes. #1 3 girls die at the same time, They meet up along the way with God. God says "Ok here is a challenge, you each will climb 1000 steps of stairs to reach your next life, i will tell 3 jokes along the way, if any of you laugh, you fail the challenge" The girls all agree. At 101th step God tells a joke, one girl laughs and fails. At the 562nd step God tells a joke, one girl laughs and fails leaving only one girl left. At the 999th step the girl starts laughing. God,surprised, says "Why are you laughing i haven't told you a joke and you are so close!?" The girl,laughing, answers "I just figured out your first joke!" #2 Three guys die. They all meet up with God along the way. God says "I will each tell you 2 questions. Your answer will determine what type of transportation you will recieve." They all agree. God steps up to the first guy and asks "How many times were you married?" He answers "16" God asks "How many times have you cheated?" "10" The man recieves a normal everyday car/truck with a DVD inside. God steps up to the second guy and asks "How many times were you married?" He answers "10" God asks "How many times have you cheated?" "5" This man receives an SUV with lepord-coded seats. God steps up to the third guy and asks "How many times were you married?" He answers "1" God asks "How many times have you cheated?" "0" This man recieves a mustang with lepord coded seats and a DVD inside with car doors open from down to up. One day the guys with the stinky cars run across the guy with the Mustang, and see him crying. They walk up and ask "Why are you crying? You got the greatest car." The man with the Mustang answers "I just saw my wife in skates!" Get it! His wife is in skates because she told god she cheated about 50 times and the guy with the Mustang trusted her and married her once! #3 (Sort of Dirty Joke) Three guys standing around a roof see a genie approach them. The geine says "If you guys jump off this roof and scream what you want while falling...ill grant you it" They all agree. One guy jumps off and yells "I wish i had all the money in the world!" So he lands in money. The second guy jumps off and screams "I wish i had 3 mustangs all full of beautiful babes!" So he lands in what he wished for. The third guy accidently trips of the roof and surpirsed he did so he yells, being very mad,  "SHIT!" And he lands in poop. Hope you like them all!  |
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Post by **~~Dark Emperess~~** on Apr 24, 2004 23:25:14 GMT -5
OK. Here's the punchline to Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? A: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and an ass to pay for it all! Tee hee!  |
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Post by **~~Dark Emperess~~** on Apr 24, 2004 23:48:41 GMT -5
~~~Three women die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter comes up to them and says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks." They go in, and there are so many ducks, it's hard NOT to step on one. The first woman walks in and steps on one right away. St. Peter walks up to her with the ugliest man she's ever seen. "For stepping on a duck, your punishment is to be chained to this ugly man for all eternity." He chains the guy to her and walks away. A few days later, the second woman steps on a duck. She gets the same admonishment as the first woman. The third woman, noticing what has happened to the other two, goes months and months without stepping on a duck. Just then, St. Peter walks up to her with the most gorgeous man she's ever seen, and chains him to her. She says, "I wonder what I did to deserve to be chained to you for all eternity?" He says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."~~~ ~~~Q: What did one droopy boob say to the other croopy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!~~~ ~~~Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: How do you pick up peanuts with THAT??!!!~~~ |
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 5, 2004 13:43:58 GMT -5
A Man, His Wife And The Cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."  |
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 5, 2004 13:54:38 GMT -5
CINDERELLA--THE LATER YEARS Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now deceased prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality,and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered........................... BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME. |
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 5, 2004 14:03:34 GMT -5
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent
quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife.
"You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back.
"Who is afraid of a mouse?"
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Post by TrustNo1SM on May 5, 2004 19:36:39 GMT -5
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Post by **~~Dark Emperess~~** on May 5, 2004 21:31:55 GMT -5
Hey, CP4. Those were some great jokes! I liked them! I dunno if anybody else liked my previous ones, but oh well! ;D I don't know if anybody's heard this one, but I'll tell it.
A little boy came up to his
mom and said, "Mommy, my cat's dead."
She said, "How do you know?"
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move."
"You WHAT??!!"
"You know, I went 'psst psst.' "
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 9, 2004 1:35:18 GMT -5
heheheh so cute!
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Post by **~~Dark Emperess~~** on May 24, 2004 20:47:43 GMT -5
[glow=purple,2,300]New story joke, comin' through!
~~~Tommy's Bike
This story takes place in the year 1998
Tommy wanted a new bike so bad. The one he wanted cost $100, and he didn't have any money. So he decided to write a letter to God. He addressed the envelope:
God
1 Main St.
Heaven
Oddly enough, the letter found it's way to the White House. President Clinton found the letter and read it.
"Dear God,
I have wanted a new bicycle for a very long time. I have had my bike since I was 4, and I am 8 now. But you know that. Anyway, I don't have enough money to buy the $100 bicycle I want. Can you please help me out, by sending me the money to get my new bike? Please, oh please? I would be forever grateful. Thank you God.
Sincerely,
Tommy"
President Clinton was so moved by this little boy's letter that he took a crisp five-dollar bill from his wallet and gave it to his secretary to mail it to Tommy. When Tommy received it in the mail two days later, he was so excited he decided to write God another letter. This one said,
"Dear God,
Thank you for the money. I noticed you sent me the money through Washington, DC, and as usual, the government SOB's kept 95% of it."~~~[/glow]
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 24, 2004 22:52:18 GMT -5
 so funny katie! thank you! |
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Post by CharmingP4 on May 25, 2004 23:49:35 GMT -5
The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife
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Post by StreakSpeed on May 26, 2004 11:01:25 GMT -5
OMG! LOLOL i can't stop alaughing they are great! |
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